Friendships

Friends are people who don't assume, because they know who you really are.

Friends are people who are distant, yet always near.

Friends are people who don't judge.

Friends are people who tell you their opinions, not force them on you.

Good friends are hard to come by. You may have to learn it the hard way, as everyone has. But I know sometime in your life, you will come to know good hearted people whom you can depend on as much as your own family (or perhaps even more). When you have found these kind hearted souls, never ill treat them or betray their trust in you. Make sure you cherish them and always support each other. I have a few handfuls, some near, some far away making a living. Though we don't always hear each other's voices, we know we are in each other's hearts.

Loving You...

This is for you, and for everyone who matters mosts in my life. You know who you are.

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret, between shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms

but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,

risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,

I love you simply, without problems or pride:

I love you in this way

because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I nor you,

so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,

so intimate that when I fall asleep

it is your eyes that close.

Poem by Pablo Neruda

Sonnet 17 of Neruda's 100 Love Sonnets

Translated by Stephen Tapscott

Life is Not Always a Box of Chocolates

Believe me when I say, "life is not ALWAYS a box of chocolates". Emphasis on the word always. This means that sometimes it is, and sometimes its not. Actually, life is what you make it out to be.

For me, life is about fulfilling my dreams through the dreams of others, only to realize I am not fulfilling mine at all. I am a fine example of playing out somebody's else's script on life. Some part of that act turned out well, but some parts not so good. I rejoice the ones that made me strong, but I do not regrets the one that didn't actually turn out the way I wanted it to be.

My life is about sacrifices, love, tears, laughter etc. This is far from un-common. In fact, what I had just stated a few lines back sums up about almost everyones lives. This only difference is, is there more tears than laughter, more joy than sorrow?

Above all, it takes guts and strong will to realize it all, and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT instead of wallowing in pool of tears and pitifulness. So, though life ain't always a box of Godivas, you may also want to know, are Godivas the ones that make your tongue tingle, or is it the Twixes that satisfies you.

My love, though this post may not hit you right away, it will in time. And I hope, you will be strong to face it all, and come out of it more beautiful the next day.

How I Met...Your Baba

Its funny how I realized that I needed to write this post after a few posts has gone in. But then again, its never too late to get it up either.

Fate. That was what brought us together, me and your Baba.

We met through a mutual acquaintance (or so we thought) but the important thing here is, we met. I, at first, contemplated on even being friends with him. Why? Geez..I don't even know the answer. Maybe because I was just trying to be hard on him (and myself in the process). But a nudge and a wise word from your Aunt Faizah, made me think twice, and I took her advice to give both your Baba and myself a chance.

I was determined to show him my real self. Because at 31, I had no time to go into long courtships. This is who I am, and how I am, so there. He took me really well. Your Baba is really good at remaining composed. Showing emotions openly is a no-no. So, he sized me up and I think deep down I made sense to him.

By the time we decided to bring the friendship to a more serious level, both of us had I believe internally decided that we were going to get married.

The usual hurdles faced by lovers (like me and Baba) made the journey to the altar even more adventurous and fulfilling. Hurdles such as what? Ohh..the usual questions which both I and your Baba will probably ask you and your potential partner, such as "are you sure he/she is the one?", "have you thought is over really-really well?" "Is he/she compatible with our family background? not too rich, too poor.." etc.

We "expertly" convinced your grandparents that no one else would do. So, after 5 months of courting, we were engaged, and 6 months after that proudly pronounced man and wife by your late Tok Wan Omar.

It has since then been a wonderful journey with your Baba who is a wonderful, loving man. Allah gave me what I needed as oppose to what I want. He gave me someone who will listen to me and look after us very very well. Your Baba is funny yet firm, strong yet gentle, silly yet wise, protective yet knows when I need some private space, and most of all, I love him for loving me as I am.

I hope one day, you too will find a man who will love you as much as he loves us. Amin.

My Life In Ann Arbor

Recently, I was cleaning a few boxes in my room. Boxes filled with things I brought back from Ann Arbor Michigan. That was where I did my undergraduate degree as a JPA loan student. Opening that box brought back memories,and the urge to write this entry.

Life in Ann Arbor started on the 25th of October 1994. Me and for three other girls arrived at Detroit International Airport looking very brave and studentish with our blazers (I've been trying to recall why everyone who furthered studies overseas back then had blazers on for the flight).

1929, Plymouth Road, Apartment 2012. That was home for 2 years.

Many things happened in Ann Arbor. Wonderful and painful. I met good people, kind people, caring people, and crazy funky people as well. They colored my life there, and to a certain extent made me crave for home, and also made me want to stay longer in AA (acronym for Ann Arbor). Loving people like Susan Pollay and Bruce Watkins who unselfishedly helped us make AA our home, and allowed me to drive their Nissan AD Resort "10SMAN" around as I was homesitting and catsitting their cat, Bob. Crazy funky people like the girls in Apt 4035 who made life tolerable during the last few months in AA, and caring people like Kak Azu and Tasneem who were wonderful housemates.

The thing about being away so far from home is that, it made me even more Malaysian. Everyday, the housemates and I must cook and eat Malaysian dishes - chicken curry, sambal ikan bilis, ayam masak kicap..and the likes. Looking back, we also made a lot of effort to find the ingredients needed to cook these dishes. Apart from the shipments of curry packets and ikan bilis from home, we also searched high and low for an Asian grocery shop. The nearest one from where home was for us, was about 1.5 km away. So, that was the distance (3 km in total) we covered whenever we needed soya sauce, dried chillies and other stuff. Not exactly what we get from home, but close enough. I mean, we couldnt get Kicap Tamin or Kicap Kipas Udang, but there was Kecap ABC. Still made a mean ayam masak kicap dish...

Life in Ann Arbor also helped me to get to know me even more. I got to know my strengths and weaknesses, and try to careless of what other people thought of me- especially those who didn't really know me well enough. I had always been someone who was very concerned about what others thought of me. So, the lessons learnt in AA really helped me realize you can never please everyone. What they think of you should not affect you too much as long you know who you really are.

Ann Arbor was home for 2 wonderful years. It changed me a little, and it changed the way I lived my life.

Handling Stress

How do I handle stress? I clean, clean and clean. I love cleaning. In fact, my most favorite home cleaning tool is the vacuum cleaner. Oh, I love my vacuum cleaner. It sucks away all the dirt on the floor, on the table, on Khadijah (sometimes) and well, on almost anything.

I get a weird sense of happiness when I can vacuum and polish. Its almost like I am vacuuming and polishing my stress away. That is until, the dusts settles in again, and/or hubby dearest decides to put a cold glass on the dining table without a coaster. Water markkkk!!!!! errgghhhh! Stressed again! Lovingly (with evil eyes on hubby) wipes the watermark away, and place coaster under the glass.

Anyway, life would be a bore without stress. I am glad for the stress I get. Well, okay, not really. But it does help me grow and try to be a less stressed out person. Some other ways I destress includes, cooking, reading, sleeping and hugging Khadijah.

The best way is of course to take the wuduk and recite the Quran. If all fails, He knows how to calm us down.

Easy Come, Easy Go

There is nothing definite in life. All that we have is God's and it can be taken anyway in a split second. As such, use the time given to the fullest.

With this in mind, I constantly think about how my actions will affect others. In my life, on a daily basis, I aim not to impart grievances to anyone. Everything can be done in a better way. I learn from a wise friend, you are no one if you don't have the respect of others. But for other people to respect you, you must respect others first.

I pray everyday:

- not to be consumed by what I think I know, and think less of others,

- to show the civil side of me, and not the ugly side of me,

- to be humble, and never be boastful,

- to be a better and wholesome person in life.

Remember Khadijah, ikut resmi padi, makin berisi, makin tunduk. Don't ever think you are above anyone. Money cannot buy happiness and friends. That has been proven again and again.

Your fate can turn in a split second. Easy come, easy go.