Letting Go...

Letting go. It's not easy to do.

Letting go of a favourite soft toy.

Letting go of a cassette tape of a favourite rock band (in the era of discs and DVDs)

Letting go of loved ones.

Letting go of grudges.

Even when it comes to...letting go of sad memories...

I have my share of the above. Seems silly though somehow, but humans being humans, we hang on to even silly things. I know one day, I will have to let go of you. I will have to let you make and live by your own choices, and trust that you will make good choices, for that matter. It will be hard, but it will be necessary.

But if there is one thing I have learnt in my life so far, letting go can be good not just for me, but also for the person being let go of, especially. So my love, I will not teach you on how to let go, but you will learn this skill yourself through your own life experiences.

Shadows on Walls

Where I am seated, I can see the shadows of trees casted on the walls of the Sime Darby Medical Center (SJMC). The shadows shall move down slowly till none is casted, and by that time darkness would have engulfed the surroundings signalling night time. Of course the area would still be bright, lit by the road lamps lined up along SJMC. I hope by then, I am already at home with you, and perhaps having dinner with your father.

This time next week, Thursday would be the last working day as Friday is a public holiday due to Deepavali. Your Tok and Tok Wan are planning to visit, and we may be doing some short trips around KL.

Its been a long day, and I do so look forward for home now. See you soon sweetheart.

Taking Up The Challenge

Life is about taking challenges, facing them head-on and say, I will overcome it successfully. But, if I fumble, its not the end of the world. I shall get up and go on with life.

No such thing as an easy life. If there were, I would not be writing this blog, trying to ease the stress off of my mind. The entry may seem non-sensical at this point, as I type and type without seeing the end of it. But, that's okay too.

I am still at the office. No one else around, except perhaps one guys with prescription glasses at the other row of cubicle, nodding his head slowly as he reads some application scripts with enjoyment. The empty chairs and tables provide a sense of stillness that is almost surreal because tomorrow, I shall be facing the same table and chairs again and repeat the cycle of work all over again.

I am off to pick you up now Khadijah. Yes you. All 2 years old of you.

Love,

Mama

Friendships

Friends are people who don't assume, because they know who you really are.

Friends are people who are distant, yet always near.

Friends are people who don't judge.

Friends are people who tell you their opinions, not force them on you.

Good friends are hard to come by. You may have to learn it the hard way, as everyone has. But I know sometime in your life, you will come to know good hearted people whom you can depend on as much as your own family (or perhaps even more). When you have found these kind hearted souls, never ill treat them or betray their trust in you. Make sure you cherish them and always support each other. I have a few handfuls, some near, some far away making a living. Though we don't always hear each other's voices, we know we are in each other's hearts.

Loving You...

This is for you, and for everyone who matters mosts in my life. You know who you are.

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret, between shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms

but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,

risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,

I love you simply, without problems or pride:

I love you in this way

because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I nor you,

so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,

so intimate that when I fall asleep

it is your eyes that close.

Poem by Pablo Neruda

Sonnet 17 of Neruda's 100 Love Sonnets

Translated by Stephen Tapscott

Life is Not Always a Box of Chocolates

Believe me when I say, "life is not ALWAYS a box of chocolates". Emphasis on the word always. This means that sometimes it is, and sometimes its not. Actually, life is what you make it out to be.

For me, life is about fulfilling my dreams through the dreams of others, only to realize I am not fulfilling mine at all. I am a fine example of playing out somebody's else's script on life. Some part of that act turned out well, but some parts not so good. I rejoice the ones that made me strong, but I do not regrets the one that didn't actually turn out the way I wanted it to be.

My life is about sacrifices, love, tears, laughter etc. This is far from un-common. In fact, what I had just stated a few lines back sums up about almost everyones lives. This only difference is, is there more tears than laughter, more joy than sorrow?

Above all, it takes guts and strong will to realize it all, and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT instead of wallowing in pool of tears and pitifulness. So, though life ain't always a box of Godivas, you may also want to know, are Godivas the ones that make your tongue tingle, or is it the Twixes that satisfies you.

My love, though this post may not hit you right away, it will in time. And I hope, you will be strong to face it all, and come out of it more beautiful the next day.

How I Met...Your Baba

Its funny how I realized that I needed to write this post after a few posts has gone in. But then again, its never too late to get it up either.

Fate. That was what brought us together, me and your Baba.

We met through a mutual acquaintance (or so we thought) but the important thing here is, we met. I, at first, contemplated on even being friends with him. Why? Geez..I don't even know the answer. Maybe because I was just trying to be hard on him (and myself in the process). But a nudge and a wise word from your Aunt Faizah, made me think twice, and I took her advice to give both your Baba and myself a chance.

I was determined to show him my real self. Because at 31, I had no time to go into long courtships. This is who I am, and how I am, so there. He took me really well. Your Baba is really good at remaining composed. Showing emotions openly is a no-no. So, he sized me up and I think deep down I made sense to him.

By the time we decided to bring the friendship to a more serious level, both of us had I believe internally decided that we were going to get married.

The usual hurdles faced by lovers (like me and Baba) made the journey to the altar even more adventurous and fulfilling. Hurdles such as what? Ohh..the usual questions which both I and your Baba will probably ask you and your potential partner, such as "are you sure he/she is the one?", "have you thought is over really-really well?" "Is he/she compatible with our family background? not too rich, too poor.." etc.

We "expertly" convinced your grandparents that no one else would do. So, after 5 months of courting, we were engaged, and 6 months after that proudly pronounced man and wife by your late Tok Wan Omar.

It has since then been a wonderful journey with your Baba who is a wonderful, loving man. Allah gave me what I needed as oppose to what I want. He gave me someone who will listen to me and look after us very very well. Your Baba is funny yet firm, strong yet gentle, silly yet wise, protective yet knows when I need some private space, and most of all, I love him for loving me as I am.

I hope one day, you too will find a man who will love you as much as he loves us. Amin.