My dearest Khadijah,
One thing you must acknowledge in life is that, our path in life is part effort, and part "ketentuan" Allah SWT. So, as much as you think you have done a great deal to achieve something, and think you deserve to get it, Allah alas knows what is best for you.
As such, don't despair if the ends to your work does not arrive, but rather be grateful, and move on to your next goal post. Whether you realize it or not, Allah has better plans for His servants.
The more you understand this, the easier it is to move on and ponder less on what has happened. Then you can truly be at peace with yourself and with others around you.
I know you are a beautiful part of the "ketentuan" that Allah has set for me and Baba. And I know you are the reason why He only granted us a child after three years of trying. Alhamdulillah.
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